Sunday, March 17, 2024

Storytelling still works only if the stories are true


 

How far should you let a good story go to make a point?

A quote widely attributed to Mark Twain with no evidence that he actually said or wrote it is: “Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story.” Perhaps it’s a good thing that this particular gem does not seem to be a piece of wisdom imparted by Twain; it remains questionable if lying for the sake of a good story is a good thing, especially when you are trying to use that story to convince others of something.

Almost 25 years ago, I wrote a column titled, “Storytelling Only Works if Tales Are True,” in which I cited several people on how useful being able to tell a good story was in convincing an audience of whatever it was you wanted to convince them of.

Robert Metcalfe, the retired founder of 3Com Corporation, embraced the use of a good story to make a point in business or life, but he was clear on its limitations. ''By telling a story, I don't mean story as in make things up,'' Metcalfe said ''I have told the story of 3Com a thousand different ways. You make it dramatic. You select facts. You add drama. You wink. You smile. You leave out unimportant things that might weaken your point. It's all part of the gentle process of persuasion.

''But,'' he was quick to add, ''one of my rules is: Never lie.''

Crossing from making a story dramatic to telling an outright lie could have “devastating effects,” I wrote at the time. If colleagues who experienced the same events discovered you were lying about those events, your credibility could be lost. If lies found their way to the wider world, then you risked becoming known as a fabricator who made stuff up.

That was 25 years ago. Does it remain a bad thing to lie to colleagues or the public in a story you’re telling? Are there enough incidents of howlers of lies being told on a stump speech or in a widely disseminated media interview that result in boosting a politician’s popularity to make it time to rethink whether lying really matters?

In the movie “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance,” a newspaper reporter discovers that the legend of a showdown with a local outlaw surrounding an aging and beloved U.S. senator was not factual. The reporter chooses to rip up the notes detailing the facts and utters the now-famous line: “When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.” That’s bad journalism, but it does point out how people can become more comfortable with what they believe to be true rather than with the actual truth.

Telling or spreading lies to make people comfortable, however, falls short of striving to live a life of integrity where we embrace the hard truths as well as the comfortable ones. Witnessing that others get ahead or thrive when we believe them to regularly play fast and loose with facts doesn’t justify telling lies to get whatever it is we want.

When telling a story, the right thing remains to make sure it’s true. We owe that much to our audience, but also to ourselves if we want to continue to strive not to become the type of person we swore we never wanted to become.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Sunday, March 10, 2024

Is silence golden?

In celebrating someone’s accomplishment, should you point out a mistake she’s made?

A long-time reader from North Carolina who we’re calling Rosalind wrote to report that she’d just finished reading a book that raised the question. She wants to know if she should report an error she noticed while reading.

The book was written by Rosalind’s distant older cousin. They’d met a few times when they were teenagers, but Rosalind doesn’t think they’ve had any contact in more than 60 years. Rosalind’s older sister had read the cousin’s book, enjoyed it, and wrote to their cousin to congratulate her.

After hearing about the book from her sister, Rosalind, checked out a copy from her local library and found it to be a well-written and enjoyable read about her marriage to a controversial and well-known theatrical producer in New York City.

“As I read the book, I considered reaching out and giving my cousin positive feedback on the book too,” wrote Rosalind. That many of the plays the cousin’s husband had produced were “cutting edge” and not shows that she “as a conservative” would be likely to consider seeing gave Rosalind some pause, but then she decided she could simply recognize her cousin’s accomplishment in writing the book.

“Here’s the hitch,” wrote Rosalind. In the acknowledgments, her cousin wrote that her parents “would have been please to know that I, like them, wrote a book.” Clearly, the cousin meant to write “pleased” rather than “please.”

Rosalind would like to write her cousin to praise her work but also to point out the typo in case she doesn’t know about it already and might be able to fix it in future printings. “If she doesn’t know it exists, however, my pointing it out could be a source of some irritation” instead of any “relative joy” (Rosalind’s pun) of hearing from a long-lost cousin.

Rosalind wrote that her spouse says she is honest to a fault. Nevertheless, Rosalind believes that pointing out the typo could be appreciated by her cousin. She’s concerned, however, that she might be making much ado about nothing and should forget about pointing out the typo.

“What do you think?” Rosalind asked me.

Years ago, I wrote about a college librarian I knew who was crushed after being corrected on her pronunciation of English words by a student. She wasn’t crushed because the student had corrected her, but rather because she clearly had been mispronouncing words for years and no one had ever said anything to her. Generally speaking, people appreciate learning about an error they’ve made, especially if they might be able to do something about it in the future.

The right thing, I believe, is for Rosalind to mention the typo to her cousin. It likely shouldn’t be the first thing Rosalind mentions. Instead, she can lead off her note about how well-written and enjoyable a read the book was. I would imagine Rosalind might also want to add a note or two with selected highlights of what she’s been up to over the past six decades. As long as the pointing out of the typo isn’t presented as a gotcha-type moment or a scolding about imprecision or a suggestion that one typo ruined the whole book, I would hope that Rosalind’s cousin would appreciate the sentiment with which the notation is delivered.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Sunday, March 03, 2024

Should you let someone know you plan to challenge their ideas?

Do you owe it to someone to tell them when you plan to confront their comments in public?

The first byline I ever had was published on Thursday, March 2, 1972, in The Times-Bulletin, the weekly newspaper of Boonton, New Jersey. I was a 15-year-old high-school student. I got the assignment because weeks earlier I had stopped by the newspaper’s offices and asked if they had any jobs. They didn’t, but I got a phone call asking me if I would be able to cover a local education board meeting for which they’d pay me $5 if it was published.

The piece was published, but when I went to pick up my check, I also received the stern advice that if I wanted to continue stringing for the newspaper, I had best learn to type better and not turn in copy with so many cross-outs and type overs. My writing career lasted longer than The Times-Bulletin, which ceased publication in 1979, about five years after I’d left town.

The second half of that first article was essentially a list of all the votes and committee appointments and similar housekeeping done by the board. But the first half of the article was reflected in the headline for the piece: “Athletics Criticism Countered.”

Apparently, at the previous board of education meeting, a resident had attended and bemoaned the inadequacy of the athletic programs offered at the local grade schools. The resident had not been on the agenda and hadn’t given anyone in the athletic department a heads up that he would be making his statement. “I came down here as an individual because it bothered me to see what was going on,” the resident said.

At the meeting I covered, Glenn Moore, who taught physical education to most every student who went through the Boonton public schools over a 32-year period beginning in the 1960s, had been scheduled to make a report about the status of the athletic program. But because the discontented resident had made his comments at the prior meeting, Moore decided he had to address them. An “awful lot of people called me up and said they thought it was unjust,” Moore said.

Moore had a choice. He could have simply dismissed the disappointed resident’s comments and got on with his report, or he could have ignored the topic altogether. Moore, however, chose to invite the resident to hear his report at the meeting and to ask any questions that might help him understand the status of the programs better.

Moore’s choice always stuck with me. It might have been easier to ignore that resident’s comments and to avoid making sure he was in the room when you planned to counter his argument. But it showed integrity and Moore did the right thing by letting the resident know ahead of time that he disagreed with his assessment, that he planned to detail specifics that ran counter to his complaints, and that he hoped to do it face to face so the resident could ask any questions he might still have.

No argument broke out. Questions were asked and answered. The board of education struggled as many local school boards do with funding the best athletics program it could, and Moore continued to be a beloved member of the community until his death at 89 in 2013.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.


 


Saturday, February 24, 2024

Does being cautious send message you don’t trust people?

Should you worry if your behavior in a new place sends the wrong message?

Once an avid swimmer, it had been many years since a reader we’re calling Sedna had found a regular place to swim. Not long ago, Sedna toured her local YMCA and found that it not only had a swimming pool, but that it also offered classes that fit nicely into her work schedule. The monthly membership fee was also far more affordable than many of the more expensive private gyms Sedna had once considered.

Just before she was to leave to attend her first swimming class at the Y, Sedna remembered that while the Y provided lockers for each of its members to use, she had to bring her own lock if she wanted to secure her clothing and valuables. Sedna meant to purchase a padlock, but simply had not gotten around it and now it was too late to do so before her first class.

Sedna figured she had two choices. She could leave her belongings in the locker without a lock and trust that no one would bother it. Or she could bring a small backpack with her, jam all her stuff into it, and leave it at the side of the pool so it was within eyesight as she swam. “I particularly didn’t want to leave my wallet with credit cards in it unlocked since I’d recently had someone try to use my credit card without my permission,” Sedna wrote.

But Sedna was concerned that bringing her stuff to the side of the pool rather than leave it in a locker would send the message to instructors and other members that she didn’t trust them. “Is it wrong to be extra cautious even if that might send the wrong message?” asked Sedna.

On a practical level, if it’s her credit cards Sedna is only worried about, she might consider taking them out of her wallet and leaving them home while she is at the gym. She already has paid her membership and unless she’s planning to make credit card purchases on her way to and from the gym she really doesn’t need it. It also makes sense not to wear any jewelry she doesn’t intend to wear while swimming. If she takes off a piece of jewelry while changing to swim and it goes missing, she might not know if the jewelry was stolen from her locker or simply misplaced. Again, aside from trying to look spiffy, there’s no real reason to have to wear expensive jewelry to the gym. In other words, until Sedna remembers to get a lock for her locker, she should do what she can to minimize her worry.

The right thing, however, is for Sedna to do what gives her the most comfort. If the gym allows its members to leave backpacks at the side of the pool and on this first outing doing so would ease Sedna’s mind, she should do that. Trying to guess what message that would send to others is just that, a guessing game. Others are just as likely to give it no thought at all. But Sedna does know that doing so would give her comfort, so she should trust her own sense of comfort. And on the way home she should stop at her local hardware store and pick up a lock.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Sunday, February 18, 2024

Should you nudge friends to pay up?

How much of a nudge should you be when trying to get reimbursed for a group gift?

A group of friends who have belonged to a book club for more than a decade were overjoyed to learn that one of the club’s members was expecting her first child. As a surprise, the group decided that it would chip in on a group present for their fellow reader.

After a flurry of emails, the group agreed on a present and one of the book club members, a reader we’re calling Paige, agreed to purchase the gift and then get reimbursed from fellow book club members. The idea was to have the gift in time for their next monthly book club meeting at which they could present it to the soon-to-be mother.

Two of the 10 book club members Venmo-ed Paige their share of the gift’s cost right after it was ordered. Once the gift arrived, Paige emailed everyone except for the expectant mother to let them know. In a reply-to-all on her email, another book club member asked how she would like to be repaid. Paige responded that reimbursing her via the Venmo app as a few others had already done would work fine.

Upon receiving the news, one more of the book club members Venmo-ed her share. That meant Paige and three others had paid their share and six more book club members were yet to pony up.

“How much should I nudge them to pay?” asked Paige, acknowledging that they all agreed to share the cost and know that she outlaid the money.

Paige wanted to know if it would be wrong to send an email to all of those who hadn’t paid to tell them they could pay her now or they could give her cash or a check when they passed around a card to sign at their next book club meeting when they planned to present the gift? “Does that send the message that I don’t trust them to repay?” Paige asked.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Paige sending a reminder to her book club friends. Partly, this will let them know of her plan to circulate a card for them to sign at their next meeting, but it will also provide a nice reminder.

The one risk of the plan to let those who owe money to pay what they owe when the card is circulated is that it could send the message to them to hold off paying their share until then. If Paige is OK with that, then her plan seems sound.

But the right thing would be to send it to everyone in the group (other than the expectant mother) rather than just those who didn’t pay. By doing so, she’d be including them on her plan and by naming them she would also make clear to others that those three had already paid up.

There’s no reason Paige should worry about being left paying for more than her share of the gift, but whenever someone agrees to foot the cost for a group gift for which others could reimburse their share, there’s always a bit of a risk. If Paige clearly presents options for those who have yet to pay, it will serve as a reminder and might provide her some peace of mind.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.

Sunday, February 11, 2024

How smart do you need to sound?

How smart do you need to sound to get what you want?

Almost 15 years ago, I was invited by Bethany College, one of my alma maters, to give a talk in Bethany, West Virginia, to high school students who were finalists for a leadership scholarship. The handful of students had been invited to campus for interviews with faculty to determine who among them would get one of the sizable boosts to their financial aid package.

As the talk was winding down, students asked various questions, most of which were smart but polite. I then asked them if they wanted to know the answers to the questions they would be asked in their interviews. The students and their parents laughed and there was a collective, “yes” and “that would be great” in response. I went on to advise them that in my experience faculty liked to hear themselves talk, so they should do their best to get the faculty talking as much as possible during the interview. The end result if they could get the faculty talking, I told them, was that the faculty would come away thinking the student was very smart because the only thing they heard was themselves talking.

In spite of shifting to emeritus status this past July at the university where I taught for the past 12 years, I still occasionally teach there and elsewhere. At some point in each course, I find the need to reassure students that they do not need to prove to me or anyone else in the course that they are smart by trying to say smart things that may or may not have to do directly with whatever we happen to be covering in class. “Just do good work,” I regularly cajole them. That’s all the proof I or others need about their ability and dedication.

I bring this all up now as some high school students are in the throes of hearing from colleges to which they’ve applied or going through similar interviews that those prospective Bethany College students experienced 15 years ago. Worrying about what acceptance or rejection says about you and your abilities can be harrowing. But these things do not define someone nor their abilities or intelligence.

While it would be nice to believe college acceptances or scholarship decisions were an exact science, they are not. Sure, they are based on academic performance, extracurricular activities, leadership potential and determination of whether a prospective student would be a good fit for what the college offers. But often such decisions come down to how competitive the field of applications is in any given year since there are a limited number of seats available. Trying to sound smarter than you are to get in or get an award rarely is as good an idea as simply presenting yourself and your work as best you can.

Ultimately, the right thing is to just do good work. If a college admissions or a scholarship committee recognizes that, that’s great. If they don’t, it’s as much a reflection on them as it is on the applicant who can then go on to try to do good work someplace else.

Jeffrey L. Seglin, author of The Simple Art of Business Etiquette: How to Rise to the Top by Playing Nice, is a senior lecturer in public policy, emeritus, at Harvard's Kennedy School. He is also the administrator of www.jeffreyseglin.com, a blog focused on ethical issues.

Do you have ethical questions that you need to have answered? Send them to jeffreyseglin@gmail.com

Follow him on Twitter @jseglin

(c) 2024 JEFFREY L. SEGLIN. Distributed by TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.